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Old 07-19-08, 05:11 PM   #51
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A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.

Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my d**k was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
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Old 07-19-08, 09:59 PM   #52
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A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked into a gay bar. He thinks, "What the hell, I really want a drink."

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says, "What's the name of your *****?"

The customer is shocked and says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The waiter winks at him and says, "I'm sorry, honey, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *****."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of YOUR *****?"

The waiter replies, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

So the guy thinks about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he asks the guy next to him his dick's name.

"I call mine Ford, because it's built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my ***** is Secret."

"Secret?" says the waiter, confused.

The customer says, "Yeah... strong enough for a man, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
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Old 07-19-08, 10:02 PM   #53
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"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man.

"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."

"Just gimme another drink."

"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go."

"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh ****, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t in my pants, too."
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Old 07-19-08, 10:04 PM   #54
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Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners."

Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie."

''Actually, I come in all sizes."

With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his ***** pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"

"No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.

After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.

Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?''

Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy ****-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?"

"Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."
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Old 07-19-08, 10:05 PM   #55
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A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.

That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.

The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.

The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.

A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
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Old 07-19-08, 10:07 PM   #56
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The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
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Old 07-20-08, 09:16 AM   #57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim80 View Post
A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked into a gay bar. He thinks, "What the hell, I really want a drink."

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says, "What's the name of your *****?"

The customer is shocked and says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The waiter winks at him and says, "I'm sorry, honey, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *****."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of YOUR *****?"

The waiter replies, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

So the guy thinks about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he asks the guy next to him his dick's name.

"I call mine Ford, because it's built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my ***** is Secret."

"Secret?" says the waiter, confused.

The customer says, "Yeah... strong enough for a man, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
That is probably one of the funniest jokes on this thread!!!

Good one man!


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Old 07-21-08, 01:46 PM   #58
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
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Old 07-21-08, 03:30 PM   #59
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I will post some you had a few good ones in here!
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Old 07-21-08, 10:31 PM   #60
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Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
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Old 07-21-08, 10:32 PM   #61
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Old 07-21-08, 10:33 PM   #62
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A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''
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Old 07-21-08, 10:35 PM   #63
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An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
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Old 07-23-08, 11:23 AM   #64
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as promised... lets get warmed up:




SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
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Old 07-23-08, 11:24 AM   #65
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Old 07-23-08, 11:26 AM   #66
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t ..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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Old 07-23-08, 01:25 PM   #67
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What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Rofl, that there's funny!

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Old 07-23-08, 02:37 PM   #68
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Oldies but goodie animal jokes:

A penguin is driving along in the Arizona Desert, top down, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine when suddenly he starts to experience car trouble. He pulls over into the next service station he sees and asks a repairman to take a look. The repairman says I'm busy right now, but if you come back in about 1/2 hour, I'll see what I can do. The penguin, not having the benefit of the wind blowing now, asks the repairman where he can cool off in the meantime. With a quick finger point, the repairman suggests the local supermarket across the street.

So, the penquin mosey's over to the store and begins to wander up and down the aisles, enjoying the nice air conditioning. Before long, he meander's into the freezer section and notices a large section of ice cream. Thinking that a combination of ice cream and a cold freezer would just be the ticket, he discretely climbs into the nearest one. He has a grand old time, sampling various flavors and settling on vanilla. However, being a penguin and not having opposable thumbs, he proceeds to make a grand mess, getting ice cream all over himself.

The 1/2 hour quickly passes, so the penquin wanders back over to the garage to inquire about his car. Seeing the mechanic busy up under hood, he saunters over, clears his throat, and inquires as to what the trouble is. The mechanic tilts his head up and remarks, "It looks like you blew a seal". The penguin, retorts as he wipes his mouth, "N'ah, that's just ice-cream"

A woman walks into a pet shop and tells the manager, "I'm interested in purchasing a pet". The fellow answers, "Well, we have some nice puppies and kittens, hamsters and gerbils". The woman says, "No, I had something a little more exotic in mind". "Well" replies the fellow, "We have some nice snakes and tarantulas here, and a few geckos". "No", the woman says, "much too common. I want something really unusual". "Hmmmm", the fellow scratches his chin. "In the back, I have a frog that knows how to eat *****". "I'll take it!" she exclaims, slapping the money down on the counter.

All excited, the woman rushes home with her new pet in a shoebox, rushes into her bedroom, lights a few candles and disrobes. She climbs onto her bed, spreads her legs and places the frog into position....The frog looks at her quixoitically and goes "ribbit". Frustrated, the woman pushes the frogs head down lower and the frog continues to look confused and croaks "ribbit". Thoroughly flustered, the woman thumps the frog on the head a few times, trying to encourage it to do the deed. Her efforts are in vain as the frog continues to sit motionless and let's out a plaintiff "ribbit".

The woman is incensed having paid good money for this inadequate frog. She throws on her nightrobe, tosses the frog back into the shoebox and rushes back to the pet store. She angrily approaches the storekeeper and exclaims, "You sold me this frog that you claim eats pussy and he just sits there like a lump on a log". "I don't understand", says the storekeep. "I know he's been trained". "Well", the woman exclaims, "I can tell you he does nothing!". She grabs the storekeeps hand and pulls him to the back room..."Come, I'll show you" she shouts. In the back room, she hops up on a counter, opens her robe, and places the frog between her legs. The frog again sits motionless. "I don't understand", says the shopkeeper. Pushing the frog aside, he says, "Okay, frog, I'm only gonna show you how to do this one more time".

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Old 07-24-08, 08:25 PM   #69
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Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
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Old 07-24-08, 08:27 PM   #70
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1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
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Old 07-24-08, 08:34 PM   #71
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What do blondes and screen doors have in Common?

The more you bang 'em, the looser they get.

What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?

Nothing...They've never met.
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Old 07-24-08, 08:36 PM   #72
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Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
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Old 07-24-08, 10:07 PM   #73
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Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” Johnny’s mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…” Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, “Now take off my skirt…” He removed her skirt. “Take off my bra…” which he did. “And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.” When Johnny had finished removing his mother’s panties, she said, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!



What were you thinking was gonna happen? lol
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Old 07-25-08, 11:06 AM   #74
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Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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In memory of Zooker 1/11/73-7/2/2010. You will be sorely missed and never forgotten.
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Old 07-25-08, 11:19 AM   #75
Jim80
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All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.

"I think we can agree. The past is over."

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on exhillerating)

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will highways on the internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don't realize just how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.

"I believe that we are on an irreversible trent toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the poles."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only proffession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities in the air and water that's doing it."

"It's time the human race entered the solar system."
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In memory of Zooker 1/11/73-7/2/2010. You will be sorely missed and never forgotten.
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