Tool definitions we can agree on

[cassidyta]

This was sent to me by a friend today.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
And last, but not least:

BEER: Yes, it IS a tool! Usually used to pass time and calms nerves after the project extends into the following day. Also calms the nerves of the buddies you (with evil mind) convinced to help you by simply providing the said beer!

[1/4 stick]

Originally Posted by cassidyta

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.

Also commonly used to launch frozen pigs feet straight up in the air to bounce off the ceiling and come back down hard to test skull integrity.

(Ya had ta been there)

[nofearengineer]

Cassidy, that is absolutely hilarious. Sounds exactly like the type of tools I have. I would only add one thing.

CORDLESS DRILL: Storage device for dead week-old batteries.

[WaffleJaw]

Originally Posted by nofearengineer

Cassidy, that is absolutely hilarious. Sounds exactly like the type of tools I have. I would only add one thing.

CORDLESS DRILL: Storage device for dead week-old batteries.

Thats funny as ****...

Tape Measure - A small ,portable device used to mathmatically add up your failure.

[MallenManson]

Awesome, cass! I was literally laughing out loud before I finished reading up on the drill press.

[bassinbob]

1/4 stick I've been there many times. I'm a meat cutter.

[1/4 stick]

Originally Posted by bassinbob

1/4 stick I've been there many times. I'm a meat cutter.

lol, It's amazing how long them feet can kick after the slaughter. Funny thing is, with all the sharp objects and equipment, the frozen offals and the bloody floor are the most dangerous part of the job. I never did more than nick my fingers on the blades. But I had to pick myself up off the floor more times than I care to remember.

[BigBassin144]

Cass, these are hilarious! thanks for the laugh!

BB

[bamabassman]

Got most of these. Never will have the beer tool though. Coca-cola for me.

[TN_Bassin]

I especially like the table saw one. While redoing some woodwork in our poker house a 2x6 got pinched and the torque of the saw shot it through about 2 peices of plywood and 2 peices of sheetrock. Luckily no one was behind it.

[Bubba_Bruiser]

Ching-gasa - The word used in the oilfield for the tool you can't think of the name of and is usually a simple crescent or pipe wrench. It's like forgetting your kid's name and going down the line till you find one that is close. Funny stuff Cass.