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Old 07-19-08, 11:48 AM   #26
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A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.

The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."
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Old 07-19-08, 11:49 AM   #27
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Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."

The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
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Old 07-19-08, 11:53 AM   #28
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There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
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Old 07-19-08, 11:54 AM   #29
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Anyone else that has some funny jokes, post them!

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Old 07-19-08, 11:55 AM   #30
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Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
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Old 07-19-08, 11:56 AM   #31
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A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
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Old 07-19-08, 11:58 AM   #32
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Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their *** and head are interchangeable".
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Old 07-19-08, 12:01 PM   #33
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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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Old 07-19-08, 12:02 PM   #34
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One morning, a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and asks her if she'd like to play with him. They play a round, and she wins by four strokes.

Sensing the guy's embarrassment, the woman offers to take him to the parking lot and give him head in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by four or five strokes each time and then goes down on him in the parking lot. On Friday, he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

That evening, they have a lovely meal and move to the couch to fool around. The woman pulls away and says, ''That's it, stop, wait. I must confess something to you! I'm a transvestite; I'm really a man!''

''You son of a *****!'' the guy replies. ''You've been hitting off the women's tee all week!''
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Old 07-19-08, 12:03 PM   #35
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"
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Old 07-19-08, 12:05 PM   #36
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Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's ***** hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
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Old 07-19-08, 12:07 PM   #37
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Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister.

''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.''

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''
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Old 07-19-08, 12:10 PM   #38
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Default human resource lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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Old 07-19-08, 12:16 PM   #39
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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Old 07-19-08, 12:32 PM   #40
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
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Old 07-19-08, 12:34 PM   #41
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you!
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Old 07-19-08, 12:41 PM   #42
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A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
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Old 07-19-08, 12:48 PM   #43
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A Russian guy was walking down the street when he came across a bottle of vodka. He picked it up, opened it and a genie came out and said, "You are my master. You now have one wish."

The Russian man said, "I would like to piss vodka."

When the he got home he told his wife to get two glasses. She brought them and asked what they'd be drinking. He told her he could piss vodka, and of course she didn't believe him. So he pissed in the glasses, she smelled one, and said, "It smells like vodka!"

Then they drank some and couldn't believe it, but it tasted like vodka too! Indeed, it was the best vodka they'd ever had.

So the next night the Russian guy came home tired and told his wife to get one glass. She asked him, "Why only one glass?"

"Because tonight," he said, "you're drinking from the bottle!"
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Old 07-19-08, 04:20 PM   #44
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A boy gets on a city bus and sits in the seat right behind the driver. He starts talking to the driver.

"If my mom was a cow, and my dad was a bull, I'd be a baby bull" The bus drivers sighed as the boy continued.

"If my mom was a girraffe, and my dad was a girraffe, I'd be a baby girraffe." The bus driver, starting to get irritated, just sighs again.

"If my mom was a dog, and my dad was a dog, I'd be a puppy"

After this, the bus driver, was completely fed up. So he asked the boy, "What if your mom was a cheap hooker and your dad was gay?"

The boy immediately responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."









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Old 07-19-08, 04:26 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim80 View Post
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Not at my house. Once my wife and I were able to purchase a house with a garage, I told her that I would always keep it clean to keep both our cars in it.
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Old 07-19-08, 04:54 PM   #46
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Old 07-19-08, 04:57 PM   #47
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Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
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Old 07-19-08, 05:03 PM   #48
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George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."
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Old 07-19-08, 05:05 PM   #49
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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?
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Old 07-19-08, 05:06 PM   #50
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Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes!" The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ***** is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of BenGay."

The pharmacist replies, "BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"

Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
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