Oh My

[kennethdaysale]

During my Junior year in college I took a job at K-Mart as an assistant manager in the garden dept working nights and weekends. I was happily engaged but indulged in a little harmless workplace flirting with an extremely cute little cashier that worked out there with me.

A couple of my local fishing buddies had a longstanding tradition of taking me out on my birthday for a wild night of limb-lining, trot-lining, goat-grilling and drinking Jack Daniels straight out of the bottle like grown men. That birthday happened to fall on a Fri. night.

The next morning I was scheduled to work and being raised with a strong work ethic I grabbed a quick shower (threw on a pair of light sand colored cotton dockers) and went to work despite having a busted lip and an epic case of diahrea.

As soon as I get there and before I can get to the bathroom to let another half gallon of hot chocolate slurry escape my bowels my little flirt buddy "Crystal" asks If I would please empty her trash can (which is sitting 18" behind her against the wall and sadly unaware am I that what looked to me like just a tall can full of paper and register reciepts, is actually holding a 40 lb busted sack of Quickcrete stupidly dropped in there by a worthless thoughtless slug the night before.

"Sure baby girl I'll empty that can for you." I say as my left shoulder "accidentally" grazes her buttocks on my way down to lift it. Well as soon as that 40 pounds of weight hits my lower back my already tired sphincters can no longer the bear the strain and out comes a steaming hot half gallon of the vilest mix of undercooked goat flesh and Jack you can imagine accompanied by a sound and smell that would surely run a buzzard off a gut wagon.

When I got back to work an hour later, somehow and for whatever reason I found out Crystal had asked for and been granted a transfer to the downtown location.

[joedog]

And THIS MORNING?

[bassboogieman]

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME-COME SMELL MY FINGERS!

I believe you. Thanks for sharing.

[nofearengineer]

Sweet Jesus, why did you fill Kenneth with the urgent need to share this with us? A need almost as urgent as his bowels to end not only the life of a good pair of pants, but the promise of a young romance?

Now my neurons are as scarred with the visualization of this as his dockers ever were. Neither stain is ever going to come out.

[MississippiBoy]

Every time someone reads this story, a baby seal dies.
I hope you're happy, seal-killer.

[WTL]

Originally Posted by MississippiBoy

Every time someone reads this story, a baby seal dies.
I hope you're happy, seal-killer.

He's a serial seal killer.

[WaffleJaw]

Originally Posted by joedog

And THIS MORNING?

He chose black dockers

[WatterBoy]

How do I un-read something?

[Jrob78]

I hope everyone enjoyed the November episode of "Doo-Doo Stories."

[joedog]

Originally Posted by watterboy

how do i un-read something?

Now that's

[MO_CPA]

KDS, thanks for sharing this long-suppressed memory with us. I literally busted out laughing at work! Then I read Mississippi's baby seal comment and decided that I was laughing too loud to continue to work...a break was in order. Thanks for the laugh guys.

[RustyFender]

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Almost as long ago as my last goat meat meal.http://goatmeats.com/

[lilmule]

You literally reached down into the bowels of literature on that one.

[bamabassman]

mear words can't describe the feeling in my stomach right now..........

[Bassin' Gal]

Is there anything even remotely right about me admitting that I read this post. And LAUGHED!

[Tavery5]

Speaking of pooping your pants, When I was about a Jr in High School, one of my Cousins was going to be married. My Grandparents decided that my Brother and I should have a nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt to wear to the event. So we loaded up the Dodge and headed over to Montgomery Wards department store. We had spent along time in one area of the store trying to find just the right pants, I was getting a little bored so I started playing with one of the mannequins. Well we finally found the winning combination of pants and shirt and were in the dressing room trying them on, mean while my Grandparents continued to shop for my brother. When I came out of the dressing room they were still trying to find a getup for my brother and again I became bored, so I decided I would mess with my old friend the mannequin some more. Only this time when I put my arm around it and leaned on it, it moved and gave me one of the dirtiest looks you have ever seen, see we had moved to a completely different area of store and I had put my arm around and leaned into some older lady. I had a heck of a time explaining to her that I thought she was a dummy. Probably had to be there.

[joedog]

Tavery5


And that started after the first FIVE WORDS of your post!


AND IT CONTINUES!

Boy I sure choose a 'crappy' group of friends.

[AUFred]

nice job guys.

We all have had those moments where we realized oops. I was dating a young lady who had a particular nice caboose. I had grown very fond of just admiring what God had created. I walked into the local grocery store one evening to find her bending over near the registers. I was feeling particularly full of myself that night and walked over and placed my hand on her butt, expecting her to turn around and greet me. The woman whose butt I had my hand on took particular offense to my hand placement.

[nofearengineer]

Originally Posted by Tavery5

Speaking of pooping your pants, When I was about a Jr in High School, one of my Cousins was going to be married. My Grandparents decided that my Brother and I should have a nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt to wear to the event. So we loaded up the Dodge and headed over to Montgomery Wards department store. We had spent along time in one area of the store trying to find just the right pants, I was getting a little bored so I started playing with one of the mannequins. Well we finally found the winning combination of pants and shirt and were in the dressing room trying them on, mean while my Grandparents continued to shop for my brother. When I came out of the dressing room they were still trying to find a getup for my brother and again I became bored, so I decided I would mess with my old friend the mannequin some more. Only this time when I put my arm around it and leaned on it, it moved and gave me one of the dirtiest looks you have ever seen, see we had moved to a completely different area of store and I had put my arm around and leaned into some older lady. I had a heck of a time explaining to her that I thought she was a dummy. Probably had to be there.

I once smacked a complete stranger in the side of the head with a rolled up magazine. If I hadn't been 6'5", 235 lbs, he probably would have tried to whoop me (that was about 25 years ago haha). He was pretty mad LOL.

It wasn't actually my fault. I was at a Blockbuster video, and my friend was looking at some of the videos on the lowest shelf, right next to me. At some point, I got tired of waiting for the slow ba$tard, and decided to smack him with the magazine. I said something like "let's get out of here".

To my horror, he stood up...but it wasn't him.

It was a guy about the same height, wearing the same color t-shirt and baseball cap. Out of the corner of my eye, it had looked exactly like my friend. Seriously, what kind of stranger comes up and kneels down right next to you, without making a sound or an "excuse me"?

I looked over and saw my friend checking out. He had seen the whole thing and was laughing his arse off. I guess he hadn't been so slow to decide on his movies as I thought. LOL

Sometimes it's good to be huge.

[joedog]

If I keep reading these we will certainly have another 'poop' story!

Thanks everyone!

[bamabassman]

lisa gets so mad at me sometimes because of the crazy things i do in public. inmagine....ME doing something crazy? naaa, not me, not crazy.

i have a habit of jsut starting up a conversation with total strangers. especially kids. i see alittle kid crying or having fun or wearing soemthing...i start up a conversation with the youngun. of ocurse in SOME cases the mother is in "protection mode". then she'll see i am harmless and relaxes. usually i make fun of myself in front of the kiddo and it smooths things over quick.

i remember this one little boy. he was grumpy cause MOM had him out shopping when he wanted to stay home and play videos games...or didn't get someting he wanted. anyway, i started talking ot him and cutting up cause i was bored as well. his mom looked over (lisa was standing next to her) and saw we were talking. i asked him how old he was, what his name was and offered my hand in order to shake like when oyu meet someone. he looked at my hand, then up at me...looked back at my hand, thenover to his mom...then said, " i ain't shaking no old mans hand...oyu got coodies or something." i BUSTED out laughing. it was funny withhis expression on his face. he was quiet the rest of the time while his mom shopped. she jsut looked at me with a "thank you" smile on her face.

another time, we were in wal-mart getting some dry goods (groceries for oyu who don't know suthern slang,lol). there is this young girl in another cart with her mom pushing. me and lisa are argueing over me getting some cookies. lol, es i got the cookies. well this liltte girl looks up at her mom and shouts, "MOMMA, LOOK...IT'S SANTA CLAUS!!" lisa busted out laughing. i guess my grey beard, and then seeing me buying cookies..she thought i was saint nick. made me feel OLD.

[joedog]

Ya I'm SURE it was JUST the BEARD and cookies!

[MississippiBoy]

This is not my story, but it's awesome. I stole it off of another bass forum....

One time I had to go so bad I thought I was about to bust my insides. I was in real pain and had doubled over in the boat to the point where I yelled "Sonny Jim" at the top of my lungs. My buddy took control of the trolling motor and luckily their were some bathroom houses close by. I make it to the bathroom house only to read "closed until spring". Son of a b**** I yelled! Still in sever pain, I am now desparate. I know that if I don't release this demon, it will release itself. I look around and see this old beat up white jacket on a picnic table. No one was nowhere near so I am assumed by the looks of it, that it has been there a while. I grab it! As soon as I do, I am in pain like never before. I don't even look to see if anyone is around. I drop my pants and chit comes shooting and flying out like a fire hose. Keep in mind I released the genie right in the middle of a walking/jogging trail next to a picnic table. To this day, I have no idea what I ate that was bad, but whatever it was, it gave me the worst case of the squirts I have ever had. I wipe with the old white jacket (I bet it took 10 wipes). Just as soon as I am releaved of the screaming demon and had my composure, I hear several voices coming up the trail. I sure heck didn't want to be around when they found the pile of liquid chit I left. So I threw the jacket back on the table and ran like I stole something. The voices that I had heard were joggers. They stopped at the picnic table. One of them saw the chit pile and soup and begin to grimace, gag, and point. The other person said, "And look! They used your jacket to wipe their ***!"

[bassboogieman]

I have no story to relate, but for anyone that may have been at the Mud Creek ramp on Lake Guntersville, on or about March 23, 2011 anytime after 1:00 in the afternoon and upon exiting their vehicle were overcome by a severe stench eminating form the bushes in the corner of the parking lot - YES, that was me.

[nobass]

boy this thread has really gone to the crapper