In response to JB's guide to words....Wife vs. Husband

[ColoradoNative]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[JB]

Nice response CN,
now let me add some thoughts to it: Suppose you want a man to do something for you, and you've asked him, oh, a thousand times. He's promised he would, which is what's so frustrating -- if he flatly refused, at least you'd understand why he isn't taking action. He doesn't want you to remind him about what he needs to do, even though he keeps forgetting.
Don't ask him to do a specific task ("Fix the drip in the shower") but to be in charge of solving the problem ("The leak in the shower is driving me crazy"). Offer to help him ("Tell me what tools you need, and I'll go get them for you"). Men love to show women their tools.
"Wanna dance?"
The best way to seduce a man the first time is to let him know you're interested -- but not easy -- with the word maybe.
Maybe you should get together, maybe you'll have a drink with him, maybe you'd like to see his place. There's enough yes in maybe to keep a man from feeling rejected and enough no to keep him challenged.
If it's a long-term relationship, the approach is different, but you'll do well if you still think of it as a dance. Get him to snuggle, kiss, and play but once you are there, let him take the lead. Whether it's a date or your 30th anniversary, a man likes to think it's his idea.

It doesn't matter what you're arguing about -- he just wants to be right. This is his weakness; you can use it like judo, turning his own momentum against him.
Saying two little words, "You're right," is the verbal equivalent of darting a raging elephant with animal tranquilizers. It gives him what he wants, reducing tensions and leaving the way open for you to get what you want. Try it: "You're right, but I still want to go to the party."
Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct ... but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win -- except you did and he didn't.
"What a manly sweater!"
Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them. This can make complimenting a man awkward, no matter how straightforward you are about your intentions.
He'll reach this same conclusion if you (a) say "good morning" to him, (b) smile at him, or (c) ignore him, so you might as well go ahead and compliment him if you want.
And maybe you are sleeping with him or would consider it, so what are the best ways to get your message of appreciation across? Simply put, we want to hear words that sound masculine. Telling us you think our sweater is "handsome" is a way of saying we're manly, while a "cute" sweater sounds like something worn by a female schnauzer. Giving a compliment is like giving a gift: Don't make it about what you would want, make it about what he wants.
With that in mind, please read JB's Guide to women:
As a stunningly successful man of the world, I am often asked, "JB, how can I, a nebbish dweeb, hope to score hot babes and find a great lady like you did?"
And, often, my answer is simple and direct. Usually something like "Dream on, dork".
But, today, I'm feeling altruistic and I am going to let the men of BAssFishing Forum in on a few of the lesser known secrets of that crazy species we call womenz. There are many mysteries of the universe, vast unknowable chasms of wonder out there, but the gals are not one of them. They are not like us, but they are not without a purpose or a plan and I happen to know most of it. I have stayed at many a Holiday Inn Express, and I have had my 31 flavors of pie.
So, if you are between the ages of 15 and 25, or mentally so, pay attention and tattoo these pearls on the inside of your thigh. When you have lived a long and failed life of disasterous encounters with the fairer sex, you will want to read back my little laundry list and slap yourself for not taking it to heart.
Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we'd all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they're just as clueless as you. Next.
Item 2: Women are 95% a product of the relationship (or lack thereof) between they and their fathers. Men are made by their mothers, women by their dads. If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a ****bag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days. This is an absolute, so trust me when I say, if they don't have a healthy relationship with pops, they're not having one with you either, so ****ing run. Yes, they're going to be fun in the sackeroo, but trust me....run. That other 5% of their nature comes from lucky genetics, but you're not turning that into anything by yourself. You ain't fixing a broken girl, so just run.
Item 3: To attract women, you need but one thing....to be in charge. Not necessarily of the world or the building you work in, but in charge of your surroundings. You need to be in charge of whatever setting you and the womenz will be in. In any herd of animals, the females obey the alpha. You must be, no matter what the situation, the "guy". You might need to be the funny guy, or the cool guy, or the host, or the entertainer, or even the "taken" one, but you had better be the center of attention that day. To be this thing, you need some confidence, you need your **** in order, and you need some sort of talent that will put you in the alpha spot - no matter if that's at the library or at the night club. Women do not fawn at the slowest, weakest gazelle. They look at what's running out front, and follow. Get your life in order. Women are not laying in the tub right now letting the water hit the pink parts dreaming about a dork who's playing Battlefield on his computer in his mom's basement. You follow? This leads me to item 4.
Item 4: Women, real women, do not want a boy. They want a man, so be one. Don't get dickhead haircuts, tribal tats, spinners for your ghey car, the latest trendy clothes or skin care products. These are the tools of vain boys, and a woman does not want these things from you even if she acts like she does. You may get some dates, you may get laid, you may even get married by being a boy.....but bet your *** that your woman will dream of a man (which is not you).
Item 5: Women, contrary to legend, do not want sex that often...especially once the relationship cools off (normalizes). If they do crave the weenie all the time, they are messed up (see item #1). Women do not have testesterone pumping through their organs, and will not crave sex, at least not like you think they do. Get used to it, deal with it, and make your peace with the fact that a normal woman wants sex about 1/10th as much as you. Sadly, the sexaholic women are usually reliving some sort of childhood trauma, and sex gives them control over their neuroses about that past. See, women have sex for very different reasons than we do. They have it to feel sexy, to feel loved, to feel wanted, even to feel in charge....but they don't have that physical drive like us. We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from our balls, and that's about the extent of it.
Item 6: There is nothing a woman can sniff out like desperation. If you have even one tiny cell of creepy in you, she'll smell it all over you like a possum carcus in the sun. One of the lessons of adulthood is ****ING RELAX. Do it, for all our sakes. Don't chase women, for there is no need. Be a man, be yourself, have a good time and get your life in order, and the women will forever come to you. Believe this fellas.....nothing could be truer. If young JB would have only known this.... but that's another story and it involves copious masturbation and alot of Boone's Farm.
Item 7: Women, contrary to another urban legend, are ****bags too. They will have you convinced, if you talk to them enough, that they are the masters of reason and emotion. Bull****, fellas. They are contriving, maniacal masters of chaos and work feverishly against their own happiness sometimes. Nothing will disturb a woman so deeply to her core as true contentment. Some women shudder at the thought of a placid, pleasing life. It's a very rare thing, a woman at peace and comfortable with herself....so when you find one, say "I do" and keep her away from other women. Wanna see proof of this? Work along side alot of women. When one finds happiness, the others go about dismantling hers with ant-like industry. Nothing on earth is quite so destructive as women screwing with a happy one. It's a pretty safe bet that if your lady friends hang out with other girls, they will try (even unwittingly), to **** you up. Sorry girls, you know this one is true.
Item 8: Get to know your prospective inlaws....even if you have no idea you're going to marry the girl you're banging. If you don't love them like they're your own parents, RUN. Seriously, it's that simple. Run. Look at their relationship - her mother and father's. Look at it hard, because that's you in 25 years....or some variation of it. Your woman will make sure of it, because she's hard wired to.
Item 9: A woman's beauty is her worst enemy, and her only true servant. Be very afraid of a woman who has relied, or counted on her looks to survive or succeed - for when those looks or your attention to them wanes, she will self-destruct before your eyes. You will come home to find her gone, or on top of your best friend. Again, not to drive a point too fine, but stay away from the 10's. A stripper model does not live to enjoy a 50 year wedding anniversary, and she will not change your diapers when you're old. Believe it or not, that stuff really matters. You, like women, are driven by your nature. If you're always attracted to the worst kind of women, it's not their fault bucko. It's yours....so fight your impulses and go with what's smart not what "feels good".
Item 10: Lastly, I leave you with this. It's a difficult lesson to be a man. It's a painful, self-sacrificing labor and part of the human condition to be a man. You must accept that much of your life and your ties to women rely on your honor and your good nature. Sadly, most of us choose our mates based on nothing more than a tiny dab of sexual experience and a lot of ignorance about human nature. The women you meet, fall in love with, screw, and hurt, are all human beings with complex pasts, desires and dreams. Treat each woman, no matter who she is, as if she is your best friend's girl. Give her respect, even if you don't choose to engage her in a meaningful way. Understand that she is a daughter, a sister and someone's baby and if she's not good enough to be kind to, then leave her alone. Your dealings with the chicks will come back to haunt you, and each ****ty act will be revisited on you, or your children, or your future women. Trust me here...it really happens. Be a good man, a smart man and an observant man, and women will not be a source of pain in your life. Take my word on it.
PS, I've divulged trade secrets here. And, I predict much of it will be hotly debated by the womenz of BassFishing, whom I love and respect. However, let none of that diminish my wisdom....if they don't acknowledge my genius, then it just proves Item #1. Sorry gals.

[zooker]

wow thats is a huge load of sh!t if i ever seen it..

i think cn is going to fit in great around here..

zooker

[JB]

zooker,
i had time to bs that reply due to my power line to the crane blew a big white ball of KABOOM when a bare wire touched some steel...had an hour to kill lol

[ColoradoNative]

Wow JB....I wouldn't go as far as saying you are a genius, because a genius wouldn't have needed what sounds like a lot of experience to master the lessons that you finally learned! LOL

There is one thing that I do disagree on - skin care for men - find out what you need to do and do it...especially when it comes to a good clean shave with no razor bumps and ingrowns. ICK! Nothing like having stubble burn over various body parts that could have been prevented with a good shave soap, boar bristle brush, a five blade razor and some Tend Skin.

The rest of it is summed up in #10 alone....but if most men could really be that broad thinking than the cliche saying that "men usually think with their small head" wouldn't be so cliche!!

[JB]

Nothing like having stubble burn over various body parts that could have been prevented with a good shave soap, boar bristle brush, a five blade razor and some Tend Skin.

I shave daily

[bassfisher02]

That stuble seperates the men from the boys.

[ColoradoNative]

On your fifth item JB - I was thinking about this on my way to work, this isn't all true. Women do want sex and sometimes it is purely physical need. BUT it would happen more often in any relationship because it is an emotional need for women.

We need to feel like our man (and yes, men and boys are different) connects to us deep down (ugh, don't know how to get around that pun) and if you take your time with your woman and do everything for her and really make her feel it, you'll be rewarded with 3-5 mind blowing just sex moments. Believe me on this one.

Where the heck are the other women on this board????

[JB]

probably out fishin'

[ColoradoNative]

Wish I could be too - but have to sit here and "work". Slow day thankfully so I can read up on some things I want to learn about.

[leroy]

To Long, Didn't Read... Needs Illustrations.

[bassfisher02]

Hahaha Leroy!! As spoken from a true mans point of view.

T'is true, women sometimes do just have the physical need.
[see: one night stand]

Its all good, find yourself a friend with benefits and all will be good in the world, add in some sensational fishing, and you'll feel like a king!

PS: JB you've already done something right, she is thinking about what you say on the way to work, score for the home team!! Wooooo!!

[zooker]

rotflmao@02. now thats funny right der...

zooker

[1FASTLASER]

Man is it ever gettin DEEP in here...LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bassfisher02]

I'm sittin on a float tube over here...

[hackattack]

JB I need that smiley of the two smileys eating popcorn...that would be perfect...


(i sound like a loser if no one remembers...)

[JB]

[hackattack]

yess! thanks bud

[Bo Dale James Jr.]

JB, once again you have eloquently spoken through the written word!
I know the young guys will have a hard time adhering to the advice, but hey at least they have received it.
Hey, we don't all have the benefit of a good father or mother, but later in life you will realize how positively or negatively they affected you.
But it is how you react to it, and the content of your character that makes the ultimate difference in how happy, successful or incarcerated you become