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Old 08-01-08, 01:06 AM   #126
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An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"

His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
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Old 08-01-08, 01:07 AM   #127
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An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.

"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.

"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
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Old 08-01-08, 08:30 AM   #128
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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really
hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.


One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll
give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'



Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'



She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.



Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'



She agreed and accepts the proposal.


Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for
his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend
calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she
managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
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Old 08-01-08, 08:45 AM   #129
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim80 View Post
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
I hate those...


Why you should never hold in farts: If you hold in a fart, for whatever reason, it will travel up your spine and into your brain. Thus causing a sh!tty idea.


BB
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Old 08-01-08, 08:52 AM   #130
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Twinkie

Man and his wife were doing it on the couch going hardcore when accidently the man calls her by the wrong name.. she gets off, puts her clothes on and walks out. well thinkin hes done now he throws his rubber out the window.. well she comes back in all sorry, sorry lets start over.. he says .. okay i'll be back in a sec. walks outside to go get it back. well a little kid has it and he says i can i have that back.. kid says no .. my twinkie. man says what will you take for it? kid says 20 bucks so he gets it and the man goes back inside. Well later that day the kids dad says hey whered you get that 20 dollars from? he said a man paid me 20 dollars for a twinkie.. but just a secret between you and me, i sucked out the creme filling first lol
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Old 08-01-08, 03:20 PM   #131
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and,
clearly,
they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I
have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about
10
years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
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Old 08-01-08, 03:22 PM   #132
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house topick my things up. Oh Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas! like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

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Old 08-01-08, 03:25 PM   #133
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Three ladies got together to discuss "seduction tactics". First one has a lover, the second one has a boyfriend, and the third is married. They all agree to wear a black leather body suit, high heels shoes (stilettos), and eye mascara to see how their partners will react.

Next day they meet to share their stories.

The one with the lover said:

"As soon as he opened the door and saw me in the body suit, high heels and mascara, he shouted like a savage man and took into our bedroom, and made love to me for hours."

The one with the boyfriend said:

"I put on the body suit, the high heels, and the mascara. But then, I felt kind of shy and wore an overcoat. As soon as he walked in and opened the coat,, he went wild, picked me up, took into our bedroom, and made love to me for hours."

The married one had heard enough and seemingly upset shouted:

"I did the same thing you all did. Wore the bodysuit, high heels, and did my eyes. My husband walked in, laid on the couch, picked up the TV remote and said:

"Hey,,, BATMAN,,,, what's for dinner?????"
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Old 08-01-08, 03:30 PM   #134
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
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Old 08-01-08, 03:34 PM   #135
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http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu...deoid=39030300
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Old 08-01-08, 03:35 PM   #136
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One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar
for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The redneck said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex'!

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
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Old 08-01-08, 03:36 PM   #137
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Bear Warning Posted in a Park In British Columbia:

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has bells in it and smells like pepper
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Old 08-01-08, 03:38 PM   #138
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A man gets home, takes off his shoes, turns on the tv, and hits his lazy boy. He yells to his wife,"Honey, Hurry up get me a beer! It's about to start" The wife comes from the kitchen and hands her husband a beer. He cracks it open, and she heads back to the kitchen. A minute later she hears,"Honey, hurry up, get me a beer, it's about to start!!!" Again, she brings him a beer, and in return she gets his empty can. He again cracks it open, and she heads back to the kitchen. A third time,"Honey, hurry up get me a beer! It's about to start!!!"
This time she storms down the hallway, stomps her feet, and yells at her husband: I cook! I clean! I Iron! I vacuum! I mop! I dust all day! I'm not your slave, YOU can get up and get your own darn beer!!!

Then the husband says,"It started."
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Old 08-01-08, 05:42 PM   #139
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A young man, say 21-22 years old, walks into a bar. He sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. He kills it, then asks for another. Then another. And another.

Finally the bartender asks him what's going on. The guy grins, a little shamefaced, and says, "First blow job." The bartender grins really big and tells everybody in the bar. He gives the young man a drink on the house, then the other customers start buying him drinks, one after another. Everybody is slapping him on the back, shaking his hand, and having a great time.

After drinking more alcohol than he's ever had before, he's swaying on his stool, barely able to stay on it. But he looks up to the bartender and asks for another shot. The bartender looks at him with a practiced eye and says, "Ok son, I know this is a good cause for celebration, but I think you've had enough for tonight."

The young man says, "But I need some more! I haven't gotten the taste out of my mouth yet!"
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Old 08-02-08, 02:08 PM   #140
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Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Old 08-02-08, 02:09 PM   #141
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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
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Old 08-02-08, 02:11 PM   #142
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
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Old 08-02-08, 02:16 PM   #143
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Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''
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Old 08-02-08, 02:41 PM   #144
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
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Old 08-02-08, 03:04 PM   #145
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George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen, and asks what he's doing.

Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right."

Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and come to bed."
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Old 08-02-08, 03:04 PM   #146
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
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Old 08-02-08, 03:08 PM   #147
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Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
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Old 08-02-08, 03:11 PM   #148
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A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
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Old 08-02-08, 03:12 PM   #149
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Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Old 08-03-08, 08:33 AM   #150
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A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
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