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Old 08-03-08, 08:34 AM   #151
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A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"
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Old 08-03-08, 08:38 AM   #152
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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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Old 08-03-08, 08:42 AM   #153
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Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
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Old 08-03-08, 08:45 AM   #154
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A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
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Old 08-03-08, 08:54 AM   #155
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
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Old 08-03-08, 09:16 AM   #156
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A Blonde walks into an appliance store. and tells a salesman, "I'd like ot buy that TV."

"I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes" responds the salesman.

the blondes leaves, goes home and dyes her hair red. She comes back and asks the same salesman the same question.

and again, he says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The blonde leaves, goes home and dyes her hair brown. She comes back and asks the same salesman the same question.

and agian, he says, I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Finally, getting very frustrated, she asks, "How did you know I was blonde."

The salesman says, "because, that's a Microwave, not a TV."
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Old 08-03-08, 09:18 AM   #157
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A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
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Old 08-03-08, 12:44 PM   #158
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBassin144 View Post
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
that there was funny had no idea were it was going for a sec but funny as all heck good one BB
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Old 08-03-08, 11:56 PM   #159
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I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it--I'm going to repeat what I said before --I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out.
--George W. Bush

Charlotte, NC
04/06/2006
[You're doing a heck of a job!]
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Old 08-03-08, 11:58 PM   #160
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A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
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Old 08-03-08, 11:59 PM   #161
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As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
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Old 08-04-08, 12:00 AM   #162
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At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his ***** and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.

One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed.

"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.

''Parkinson's,'' said Abe.
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Old 08-04-08, 12:02 AM   #163
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A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
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Old 08-04-08, 12:03 AM   #164
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There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
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Old 08-05-08, 07:06 PM   #165
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Default Two Trees!

Two Trees and A Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birchThe birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."




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Old 08-05-08, 10:08 PM   #166
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBassin144 View Post
A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

i heard a variation


Three guys were in jail and forced to sign military contracts.The three guys ended up in the same platoon at boot camp and were being shipped off.. well the guys were told they could bring any one big item along with their issued gear. the first guy was a lawyer that lied in court, was bringing a gallon of water ..so he could have some good well water. Second was a chineese guy who accidently burnt someone up in a cooking accident but was charged for murder..he was bringing his water squirt bottle he cooked with..reminded him of home and kept him cool third was a redneck who stole a car.. he brought a car door from the car he stole..the two guys said how'd you get that? he said i stole the car..thats how i got here... and the guys said well what good is it? redneck said when it gets hot i can roll the window down
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Old 08-06-08, 08:45 AM   #167
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There were two antennas that lived on houses next door to each other for years. Eventually, they began dating and decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't anything special, but the reception was excellent.
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Old 08-06-08, 11:14 AM   #168
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haha these jokes are great for post-windy running moral lifting lol..

football the jacket and the ladies are worth it
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Old 08-06-08, 11:30 AM   #169
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Rev. Billy Graham flew in to an airport in colorodo and wanted to go to the mountains so his driver takes off to the mountains and starts up the country roads and winding roads in the limo and rev. billy says driver pull over. " Have you ever ridden in the back of a limo" "No Sir i havent" says the driver and the rev. says " Well I havent driven one so lets trade" so he gets in the back and the rev. takes off down the road. Well some cops are all sitting on the side the road up the mountains eating their doughnuts and one says "yeah i let a man go the other day he was speeding while taking his son to the hospital". well the next one says " I let one go the other day because he said his wife was waiting on him to come home cuz she was in desperate need of some pleasure.. some work deal" The third says he hasnt let anyone go yet. well here come Billy flying up the mountain in the limo and the third cop goes after him. turns the lights on and he pulls over.. cop walks up the window and the window goes down. the cop is dumbfounded that billy graham is driving so he goes back with the other cops. they say so did you let one go? he says "Yeah i did.. but it must have been jesus beacuse he had Reverand Billy Graham as his driver!"
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Old 08-07-08, 12:03 AM   #170
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One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
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Old 08-07-08, 12:05 AM   #171
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A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly small head walks in and sits down next to him.

The first guy looks up and bursts out laughing. He asks, "What on earth happened to your head?"

The second man replies, "I was stranded on an island and a bottle floated up. I opened it and out came a female genie. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She told me I had one wish - so I took my time and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Finally, I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making passionate love to each other. She told me that was the one wish she couldn't fulfill."

"So, then what happened?" asked the first guy.

"Well, before I could think, I blurted out, 'So I suppose a little head is out of the question?'"
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Old 08-07-08, 12:06 AM   #172
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A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
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Old 08-27-08, 09:37 AM   #173
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Did you hear about the proctologist who used two fingers? He was always ready, in case his patients asked for a second opinion!
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Old 08-27-08, 07:28 PM   #174
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What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
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Old 08-27-08, 08:40 PM   #175
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and dats da cheap ones bb, hahahahahha.
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