Redneck

[CarpMan]

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday ." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records!

[skeeter944]

those are so funny! LOL!

[flfireman]

I have got to read these at work vs home. The wife hears me laughin, walks out, reads what Im laughin at. SMACK!!!

[Bo Dale James Jr.]

I really appreciate the tips!
Better to be safe, than have to find a
a new set of in-laws and sech..

[adamgambill]

Where your moms your aunt and sister and your dads your brother and cousin and you are your own grandpa, right?