Taser

[JB]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....!!

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get

the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second

burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds

would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little

device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference;

pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)

thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best!

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it, dip****,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY

MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

considered conservative!

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from

where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'