Jokes

[Jim80]

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

[Jim80]

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, Heh, what did he say?�

The old man speaks up as he says, HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, Ma'am I see you're from Florida.

The old lady comments, Heh, what did he say?�

The old man speaks up as he says, HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.' The old lady nods her head, Yup.

The trooper mutters, Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of *** I ever had in Florida.

The old lady replies, Heh, what did he say?

The old man yells, HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!

[Snake2715]

What a 22-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: handsome, charming, financially successful, a caring listener, witty, good shape, dresses with style, appreciates finer things, thoughtful surprises. What a 32-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: nice looking, prefer hair, opens car doors, holds chairs, has enough money for a nice dinner, listens more than talks, laughs at her jokes, carries groceries, owns a tie, appreciates home-cooked meals, remembers birthdays and anniversaries, seeks romance. What a 42-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: not too ugly (bald okay), doesn't drive off until she's in the car, steady job, occasional dinners out, nods head when she speaks, usually remembers punch lines, good enough shape to rearrange furniture, wears shirts that cover his stomach, won't buy screw-top champagne, puts toilet seat down, shaves most weekends. What a 52-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: trims nose and ear hair, doesn't belch or scratch (in public), doesn't borrow money, stays awake when she vents, doesn't retell jokes, can get off the couch on weekends, wears matching socks, usually wears clean underwear, appreciates a good TV dinner, usually remembers her name, shaves some weekends. What a 62-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: won't scare small children, remembers where bathroom is, doesn't require much money, snores lightly while asleep, remembers why he's laughing, can stand up by himself, usually wears clothes, likes soft foods, remembers where he put his teeth, remembers it's a weekend. What a 72-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: breathing, doesn't miss toilet. What a 82-Year-Old Woman Wants in a Man: his inheritance.

[Snake2715]

The Difference Between Men and Women: Men are extremely busy; although they're busy, they still have time for women; although they have time for women, they don't care for them; although they don't care for them, they like to have one around; although they like to have one around, they always try their luck with others; although they try their luck with others, they get mad if their women leave them; although their women leave them, they don't learn from their mistake and still try their luck with others!

Financial security is important to women; although financial security is important, they still buy expensive clothes; although they buy expensive clothes, they never have anything to wear; although they never have anything to wear, they dress well; although they dress well, their clothes are always just "this old rag;" although their clothes are always just "this old rag," they expect you to compliment them; although they expect you to compliment them, when you do they won't believe you!

[Snake2715]

Why are blondes confused in the ladies restroom? They have to pull their own pants down!

A woman told her husband, "I finally got rid of those headaches that have killed me all these years. I saw a hypnotist today and he told me to stand before a mirror and repeat to myself, 'I do not have a headache' three times. It worked! My headache is gone." Her husband replied, "That's wonderful. Maybe he could help my libido." The next day he went to the hypnotist. When he got home, he ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife, carried her to their bedroom, put her on the bed, and said, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He spent a few minutes in the bathroom, returned, and made passionate love like he hadn't in years! His wife said, "That was wonderful! Want to go again?" He said, "Don't move! I'll be right back" and headed to the bathroom. Curious, this time she followed him. She found him standing before the mirror saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife! She's..."

[Snake2715]

Morris complained to Irving that making love with his wife had become boring and routine. Irving replied, "Get creative, Morris! Break up the monotony. Millie and I like to 'play doctor' for an hour. Try that." "That's sounds like fun," said Morris, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Easy," said Irving, "keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

[Snake2715]

A biker was visiting the zoo when he noticed a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her and tried to pull her inside. As the child's parents stood screaming, the biker leapt to the cage, and, with a powerful punch, hit the lion right on the nose. The lion released the child as he jumped back in pain and the biker handed her back to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly. A reporter happened to see the incident, and said to the biker, "Sir, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen!" "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. The child was in danger and I acted without thinking." "Regardless, check tomorrow's papers! You'll be on the front page!" The next morning, sure enough, right there on the front page was the biker's story, under the headline: "Biker Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."

[Snake2715]

The blonde farmer's daughter was drinking a tall glass of milk when her father walked in. He said, "Billy Jo, I thought you didn't like our cow's milk." Billy Jo replied, "I don't. I decided to milk the horse instead. It's kinda thick, but it tastes great!"

[Jim80]

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my ***** on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his ***** and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[Jim80]

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"

The man asks, "Why would I be?"

The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, you'll need something to cut the grass with."

Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"

The shocked man asks, "Why?!"

The young man then replies, "Well, your weekend's screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."

[Jim80]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[Jim80]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

[Snake2715]

Its been a while since i have heard it, but I love that last one Jim!

I will bring in some more here soon.

[Jim80]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

[Jim80]

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

[Jim80]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

[Jim80]

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your *** is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor"

[Jim80]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[Jim80]

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt.

The next guy doesn't want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.

The third guy doesn't want to be shown up but he doesn't have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ***, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!

[Jim80]

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

[Jim80]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[Jim80]

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small *****.

The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

The patient then said, "It's swollen."

[Jim80]

# Cats' facial expressions.
# The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
# Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
# Fat clothes.
# Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
# The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
# Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
# Eyelash curlers.
# The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
# Other women

[Jim80]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[Jim80]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.

He inserted his ***** into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline.

The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk.