11-25-09, 05:30 PM | #1 |
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Jokes...who's got some good ones?
I know most of you probably can't post your "best" jokes on a family-friendly forum like this, but maybe there's a few that you can share.
I'll start.... These two ol boys were trying to figure out how to kill this big buck at the edge of a field..they had seen him but never could get a shot. One came up with the plan to get a doe suit and pour pee all over the suit. When the buck was to come after them the one in the front would unzip the suit and shoot the buck. Since Joe came up with the idea he would be in the front and Bubba would be the back end. All was going well and out came the buck...Joe said there he is...he sees us and his coming fast. Bubba said hurry unzip and shot him. Joe said I can't the zipper is stuck. Bubba said what are we going to do? Joe said I am going to bend down and graze...You may want to brace youself...
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11-25-09, 08:59 PM | #2 |
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That's funny
Here's one that is supposedly a true story from Mississippi HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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11-26-09, 09:09 AM | #3 |
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Ok.....you gotta remember who i root for here ok?
What do you call a greesy spot in the road? An Auburn tiger who got in the way of the stampeding ELEPHANTS on their way to another championship. Yes it time for the IRON BOWL tomorrow. Cheesey i know, but i can't tell the good jokes here. Sorry.
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12-03-09, 12:01 AM | #4 |
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins...... |
12-03-09, 02:20 AM | #5 |
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1. What is the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball?
Tiger woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting anything. 2. A reporter asked Tigers wife how many times she hit Tiger with the golf club. His wife replied "I didn't count the strokes but just put me down for a five". 3. Tiger ran into a fire hydrant and a tree. I guess he couldn't decide between an iron or a wood.
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12-03-09, 11:47 AM | #6 |
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Two strangers buddy up at a bar. Several drinks along the way, the one says to the other "I'll be right back, I gotta go to the little boys room". His new bestest friend said, "hey, go fer me too". "Sure, anything fer a pal like you".
When he returned, the remaining fella said "Did you go fer me?". "Oh, shoot, I fergot - be right back." was the reply. When he returned the second time, the fella said "Well"? "Oh, you was just joshin, you didn't have to go."
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12-03-09, 11:48 AM | #7 |
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One dark morning in the middle of the night, two dead brothers decided to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise and calmly shot (and killed) those two dead boys.
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12-03-09, 11:51 AM | #8 |
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Two rabbits in the foreground are looking at a gardener sweating in the background of the vegetable garden. The one bunny says to the other "ya know, ya gotta wonder....what's in it fer him?"
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12-03-09, 12:12 PM | #9 |
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A man goes into a grocery store and buys eggs,bacon,bread,and milk.
While checking out,the lady clerk looks at his items and says to the man. ''oh?''...''You must be single.'' The man replies-''Wow!'' ''that amazing!'' ''how could you tell?'' Thw woman replies - ''Because you fcuking ugly'' (joke 2) Two guys are walking down the road and spot a dog licking itself. One man says ''Man,I wish I could do that'' The other replies ''I think that dog would bite you''
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12-03-09, 12:37 PM | #10 |
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3 guys were traveling through Indian Territory when the chief stopped them. "You cannot pass through here" he said "Now that you are here, you must die and we are going to use your skin for our canoes" the 3 men were outraged!!! The British man said “Why can't we just pass??"
Chief: “This is our land and now we must kill you" The French guy said "Can we choose the weapon we want so we can die with pride?" The chief said it was ok so the British man asks for a gun. He then yells out, “Long live the Queen” they shoot him and use his skin for a canoe. The French guy asks for a knife. He then yells out “Viva La France” they kill him and use his skin for a canoe! Now the last guy, who is an American, asks for a fork. The Chief says why do you want a fork. The American replies that it is a tradition of his country. The bewildered Chief hands the American a fork. The American begins stabbing himself repeatedly while yelling out. “Screw your canoe!”
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12-03-09, 12:46 PM | #11 |
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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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12-03-09, 01:09 PM | #12 |
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A mom was baking a cake for her son's 13th birthday...She was out of sprinkles,and decided to use BB's instead thinking he wouldnt know the difference...A few days later the boy comes running.
''mommy!,mommy! Im peeing BB's!'' ''Dont worry it'll go away'' said the mom A few days passed and again the boy came running back. ''mommy!,mommy! Im peeing BB's!'' ''Dont worry it'll go away'' said the mom again. Two days later, the boy came running in the house again yelling. ''Mommy!!.Mommy!!'' ''I know,I know,your still peeing BB's'' said the mom. The boy replied. ''No'' ''I was playing with myself and shot the dog!''
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12-03-09, 04:36 PM | #13 |
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods..The bear looks down at the rabbit and ask ''Doesnt it bother you when the crap sticks to your fur?''
The rabbit looks up at the bear and proudly replies ''Why no,it doesnt bother me that much at all'' So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes. (my favorite blonde joke) A blonde girl was bragging to her sister about how she had just slept with a Brazilian man...Her sister looked at her very confused and ask: ''How many is a brazillion?''
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12-04-09, 07:07 PM | #14 |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through a valley, when all of a sudden their path is blocked by 50 hostile Indians. The two of them turn to run back the way they came, but that way is also blocked, and the valley rim is lined with young braves out looking for scalps.
The Lone Ranger, never one to give up, asks, "Well, what do you think we should do, Tonto?" Tonto replies, "What you mean 'we,' paleface?"
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12-05-09, 01:21 PM | #15 |
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I just sat their for a few minuets all wide eyed and stuff......
I might have one to two! So there's a mom with three daughters. One comes up and says, "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mom says, "well, when you where born, I rose bud fell from the sky and landed on your nose, so I named you Rose!" The next girl comes to her mom and say "mom, why is my Daisy?" The mom says, "well, when you where born, I daisy peddle fell from the sky and landed on your nose, so I named you daisy!" The next girl comes and say "DAH DAH DWOOD DOODAY DO DAY DWEEP!!" Than the mom screams "SHUT UP BRICK!!!!"
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12-05-09, 02:40 PM | #16 |
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Bama walks in to find 1/4 stick tryin to pull hisself into a 1/2 stick.
You're gonna go blind from that, yells bama. 1/4 waves his hand in the air and replies "I'm over here, bama"
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12-10-09, 11:19 AM | #17 |
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In the summer of 1864, General Sherman was leading his army towards Atlanta, hoping to capture it for the Union. The army made camp at the foot of a tall hill one night. As the troops were settling in, they heard a Rebel yelling and cat-calling from the top of the hill, "Hey, Yankees! Come and get me, if you dare!" Sherman, irritated, sends two men up after the lone Rebel. 5 minutes later, two shots ring out, and the Rebel comes back to the hilltop, still laughing and insulting the Union army. So the general sends a squad of 10 men after him. They hear a short firefight, then the Rebel is back again, laughing still harder. After sending a troop of 100 men to the same effect, the general decides he's tired of losing so many of his troops to one single Rebel.
He sends an entire column of 1,000 men up the hill. There is an extended battle, with hundreds of gunshots, men screaming in agony, and enough smoke to obscure the entire hill. After two hours of this, all goes quiet. The general and the rest of the army waits breathlessly for any clue as to the victor of this horrendous battle. Finally, the sentries call the general over to the bottom of the hill. Sherman arrives to find them bending over a single Union soldier, bleeding profusely from several gunshot wounds. The man sees Sherman and beckons him over. The general kneels at his side and grasps the man's hand, knowing he is about to hear the last words this brave soldier will ever say. The wounded man looks up into General Sherman's eyes and tells him, between gasps of pain, "General, it's a trap.....there are TWO of them...."
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12-10-09, 12:40 PM | #18 | |
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Quote:
ha dam!!! that one is truly funny right der... zooker
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12-10-09, 01:15 PM | #19 |
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George Bush and Chaney are ridding a horse. The all fall of a cliff. How survives?
America!
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12-10-09, 11:51 PM | #20 |
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Christmas Bird... too funny
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12-11-09, 12:40 PM | #21 |
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So a mom tells her daughter to go the store and buy milk and eggs.
So the girl gos to the store and there are 3 boys out side that tell her to climb a tree and they'll give her 3$. So the girl climbs the tree and the boys give her the money. The girl goes home and say "mommy mommy, these 3 boys gave me 3$ to climb this tree!" The mom tells her daughter not to because they're only trying to look at her panties. The next day the mom tells her to go to the store and buy bread and butter. So the girl goes to the store and buy the bread and butter. When she comes out and the boys are there again. The tell her to climb the tree and they'll give her 10$. So she does and they give her the money. The girl goes home and tells her mom that they boys gave her 10$ today to climb the tree. The mom tells her not to because they're only trying to look at her panites. The next day the mom tells her to buy flour and sugar at the store. So the girl goes to the store and buy the flour and sugar. When she walks out the boys are there again and tell her to climb the tree for 100$. So she climbs it and they give her the money. She goes back home and tells her mom they they gave her 100$ today to climb the tree. The mom tells her again to not do it because they're only trying to look at her panties. But the girl says "No mom, this time I tricked them! I didn't ware any today!"
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12-11-09, 02:08 PM | #22 |
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Not a joke but funny!
Funny story!!
Livewell’s CAN work in a pinch ... The birth of the mudshark : “While fishing in a cove that had lots of houses close by and a few boats within sight, the ol’ mud-shark started barkin’. Bad breath too. No big deal I thought till it crept out and drew a picture in the bottom of my skivees. In panic I hopped up onto the back deck, covered myself with a life-jacket, popped open the livewell lid and dropped ol’ muddy right into the port box. Pretty slick I thought till I realized I had no squatwipe. Well, my skivs were ruined anyhow so I used what was left of them. I put a few bullet weights in the skivs, tossed them over the side and gave them a good salute as they sank slowely toward the bottom. While I was digging through a storage box for a minnow net to release ol’ muddy I heard a boat pull up. NO KIDDING, it was THE MAN! He asked how I was doin’ and I told him I was just “hangin’”. He went through the usual routine, life jacket, fishing license, etc.. Then he asked if he could look in my live-well. I stuttered in disbelief that I hadn’t caught any fish and said “you don’t have to look in there do ya”? He got real suspicious and a little snotty. I took offense to his attitude and said alright, then pointed to the port live- well lid. He opened the lid, stared in for a moment, slammed the lid down, looked up at me and said, “what the HELL is that”? I said “sir, that is a mud-shark. I’ll put it on the rule if you want but I’m pretty sure it’ll measure”. The scowl on his face was PRICELESS! He hopped out of my rig, mumbled that he would write a ticket for that if he could and tore off. Laughing myself to tears I took the minnow net and released ol’ muddy over a brush-pile. I “hung out” in the cove for a while longer and went home. That live-well is pretty comfy. I may just have to install a magazine rack in my boat.” |
12-11-09, 04:52 PM | #23 | |
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Quote:
lmao! I think this is about the funniest thing I've read all day! BB
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12-20-09, 09:44 PM | #24 |
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife. They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price." Cleanup on aisle 25: We have a husband down!
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12-20-09, 10:37 PM | #25 |
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bcklash, thank goodness I didn't have a mouthful of tea. It wouldda been all over the screen.
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