Jokes

[Jim80]

Dear:
a) Family,
b) Sweetheart,
c) Assistant Principal,
d) Sergeant,

I am so very
a) sorry
a) damaged
b) ashamed
c) confused

about this whole
a) boondoggle.
b) wang doodle.
c) whatever I did that's making you so pissy.
d) "pressing charges" thing.

I simply could not control the
a) jet ski.
b) rocket booster.
c) Zamboni.
d) pods at the end of my arms and legs.

And while it is true that I should not have headed in the direction of your
a) white, suede loveseat,
b) Cub Scout troop,
c) wife,
d) priceless beer can artwork,

especially after consuming so much
a) sangria,
b) meth,
c) fresh air,
d) priceless beer,

it was all meant in fun!

The subsequent
a) carnage
b) soiling
c) shame
d) ongoing investigation

that I caused is, hopefully,
a) like, "whatevs."
b) covered by your policy 'cause I'm not insured.
c) beyond my comprehension -- and yours.
d) appreciated.

I humbly ask your forgiveness, though it is perfectly within your rights to
a) spank me.
b) blow up my spot.
c) claim my firstborn.
d) gouge out my eyes and feed them to your priceless koi.

Remember -- I am first and foremost your
a) only child.
b) BBF 4-eva.
c) co-signer.
d) kidney donor.

I hope that this clears up any hard feelings and
a) restores my inheritance.
b) puts us back in bed together.
c) brings you to your sanctimonious knees!
d) gets me off.

Sincerely,
Me

[Jim80]

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, ''That's amazing how did you get that.'' The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, ''I wish I had a million bucks.'' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."

So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, ''I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'''

[Jim80]

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from Noo Yok Siddy.”
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, “That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?”
The angel replies, “Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray.”

[Jim80]

1) So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
She's a really good lay!

2) My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I loooked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3) You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

4) You've announced that you're gay,
Won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy!

6) Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be,
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me!

7) You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

[Jim80]

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ''Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?'' The crow answered: ''Sure, why not.'' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson number two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. ''I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,'' sighed the turkey, ''but I haven't got the energy.'' ''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'' replied the bull. ''They're packed with nutrients.'' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. '