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Old 08-27-08, 09:19 PM   #176
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim80 View Post
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''


i laughed at this so hard when i saw this.. lol
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Old 08-28-08, 06:50 PM   #177
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
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Old 08-28-08, 06:52 PM   #178
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A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole
>> installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two
>> rednecks and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both
>> teams and said: 'Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles
>> out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most
>> phone poles gets the job'. Both teams headed right out. At end of
>> the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss
>> asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough
>> going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Bubba
>> and Duke, the redneck guys came back and they were totally
>> exhausted The boss asked, 'Well, how many poles did you guys
>> install?' Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, 'Duke
>> and me, we got three in. ' The boss gasped, 'Three? Those two Irish
>> guys put in twelve!' 'Yeah,' said Bubba, 'but you should see how
>> much they left stickin' out of the ground.
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Old 08-28-08, 06:57 PM   #179
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Old 08-28-08, 08:15 PM   #180
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That's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric.
--George W. Bush

Crawford, TX
08/08/2003
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Old 08-28-08, 08:16 PM   #181
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A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
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Old 08-28-08, 08:17 PM   #182
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Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
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Old 08-28-08, 08:18 PM   #183
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Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident...

Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
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Old 08-28-08, 08:19 PM   #184
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These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain.

''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!''
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Old 08-29-08, 08:45 PM   #185
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Three men are hiking through a remote forest when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals take the men to their leader, who orders each of the three men to go and gather ten of the same type of fruit. He sends the three men out, each guarded by a group of cannibals to make sure they won't escape.

The first guy comes back with ten apples. The cannibal leader says, "Good. Now, you must shove each of those apples up your rear without making any sound or any facial expression whatsoever. If you do this, we will let you go unharmed. If you fail, we will eat you."

Not wanting to get eaten, the man decides to give it a try. He gets the first apple up ok, but then cries out and cringes in pain as he shoves the second one up. The cannibals take him away and kill him.

The second man comes back with ten blueberries. Relieved that he gathered such a small fruit, he begins to shove them up his rear without any problem: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... but then right before he shoves the tenth blueberry up his butt, he explodes into laughter. The cannibals take him away and kill him as well.

In heaven, the first guy meets up with the second guy and asks, "Dude, you were so close! Why did you end up laughing?"

The second guy replies, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
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Old 08-29-08, 11:30 PM   #186
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A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
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Old 08-29-08, 11:31 PM   #187
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Default Age old riddle

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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Old 08-29-08, 11:32 PM   #188
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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Old 08-29-08, 11:38 PM   #189
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Default Things I've learned from movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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Old 08-30-08, 03:54 PM   #190
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A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
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Old 08-30-08, 03:55 PM   #191
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Q: What's the similarity between women and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
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Old 08-30-08, 03:57 PM   #192
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Default Woman Bashing

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.

Q. What is the definition of "making love?"
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your dick.

Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".
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Old 08-31-08, 08:44 AM   #193
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A woman who was a big fan of The Beatles decided to get tattoos of John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each thigh.
After the tattoos were finished she rushed outside to show someone.
The first person she met was a drunk so she lifted her skirt and asked: "Don't these tattoos look just like John Lennon and Paul McCartney"?
The drunk peered down and said: "Well I don't know about Paul McCartney and John Lennon but that one in the middle with the bad breath has got to be Willie Nelson!"
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Old 09-01-08, 11:22 AM   #194
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Listen up flatlanders!
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Old 09-18-08, 04:30 PM   #195
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I imagine this is how stick figures became extinct -

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