Why are divorces so common now?

[WTL]

Serious question. I mean my grandparents made 60 years. My parents went 22, but got a divorce. A couple years back several of my friends got hitched out of college and they are all divorced now. Now it seems like many people have been through it multiple times, something that was once almost unheard of.

It concerns me because having never been married, I want to do it once and right. But you worry if people these days are just so shallow or given to change or whatever it is...what has gotten into people?

[Jim80]

It's a different society we live in now most people hold on to the upgrade what you have mentality and apply that to every aspect of their life . And marriage just doesn't seem to carry the weight that it once did , people just don't look at it with the same respect, knowing that it is more than acceptable to divorce if things don't work the way they planned . Out side of that I think the other main reason is people getting married to young any given persons mentality just changes so much between the ages of 18 ta 25.



Jim

[bcklash]

A good marriage
1-love
2-loyalty
3-commucation
4-trust
5-give and take
6-understanding

All of this by both parties.

[1/4 stick]

Jim pretty much has it nailed. There's not the dishonor in divorce that there once was. I know some people that are proud to say they've been divorced x amount of times. And it's so easy and cheap to get a divorce now. Also if a couple is just seperated, the woman can't get the help with the children that she can if she is divorced.

[Willvdh1]

Jim's right, plus its so easy to divorce these days. and since its so common people feel its okay. It can really mess up a family though, thats for sure.

[Bubba_Bruiser]

+1 on Jim. I have seen a few of my buddies go through a divorce. Like he said about the age too. People change and you have to learn to love the person changes in to. You can either grow to love them or hate them and there doesm't seem to be much middle ground. But people getting married still have that partying or hanging with buddies all the time. You got to shut some of that down when you get married, and then throwing kids in the mix, changes have to be made, or resentment and discontent will follow. I know I had some rocky times letting go of some stuff, but I figured if I wanted to keep my wife and family, they had to be made.

[bassintom]

Yesterday was my 22 year anniversary.My 1st marriage lasted about a year.I don't know what's up with all the divorces but you can't stop progress.
I prolly should have just skipped the 1st one and waited for the 2nd.(but then I wouldn't have a wonderful daughter and 3 grandkids so I guess it was worth it)

[1/4 stick]

One more I'd like to add. People, including myself in my experiances, seem to be in a major rush to marry pretty soon after they start dating. They don't take a lot of time to get to know one another. I've known couples that knew each other less than a month and they were off to get married and were getting divorced pretty soon after the wedding.

I made up my mind after the last one. I'm not going to say I'll never do it again, but I'll take a few years of dating them first. If they're in that big of a hurry to set up house I may concider living with them after dating awhile, but that's even a big maybe. It will deffinatly take a lot of convincing to get me to marry again.

[Bender]

WTL, my advice to you is to ask yourself before you propose "can I see myself with this woman in 10 years, 20, 40, forever?". Then do it again before you actually get married and be honest, don't feel pressured if you call it off.
I think on my first one I would have answered no, the second one yes then and still yes.

[Jim80]

You also have to take into account weather or not she will put up with all the fishing trips and bait monkey attacks


Jim

[bcklash]

One thing my dad ask me before I got married in 1974, is Debi your best friend and 35 years later Debi is still my best friend.

[bcklash]

[1/4 stick]

Now that plaque speaks the truth!

[Jim80]

Originally Posted by bcklash

That was great man I got a slap on the back of my head from the wife after she read it .

Jim

[bamabassman]

hahaha lash. goodun there pal. i too have been married before lisa. in fact i married the same gal (witch is more like it,lol) TWICE. young, dumb and thought it was the thing to do at the time cause everyone else was doing it. bad decision on my part. learned from it. remarried her cause i thought it was the "right" thing to do. another bad thought on my part. tried to make it work for around 6 years all together.
but when i met lisa. we were both from a bad first marriege. so we lived together for 6 months (not the bibical thing to do i know). and we agreed that if we could stay withone another for 6 months, we could live the rest of our lives together. now we aren't always as nice to one another as we seem, ther are bad times as well as the good times. but we love each other no matter what. and lash is correct in his first statemen. love honor, cherish, talk and accept one another no matter their flaws. this is what i think is the down fall of most marrieges today. not accepting the other for their flaws. if the other is not the "ideal" person they think they should be, they run. you have to accept that your other half is NOT perfect. no one is. i am sorry to say that. but it is true. there are going to be things you or the other is wishing or wanting to change and oyu can't..........EVER. accept that and oyu are on your way to a great marrege i think. lisa and i are sometimes the total opposite of each other. she loves the beach, i hate it. things like that. accept it and move on man. it ain't worth it to sweat the small things. if you can't accept the flaws, don't get married.

[everettvet]

Marriage is like a typical day of fishing. You have times where everything is going perfect and you have times where nothing is going the way it should and then there all the times inbetween. But we get up and go fishing again and marriage is the same.

I am very lucky that my wife was previously married to a very stupid person. If he had any sense, he would have never cheated. Personally, I am soooooo glad he did. I have been married for 11 years and have 2 great kids. My wife and I did not rush into the marriage. We dated for about 2 years and had known each other for about 16 years before that. We had always been friends but never dated until she was going through the divorce. I guess my point is that the perfect someone for you may not be someone you have not met yet. Matter a fact, you may have known them a very long time. To be honest, I had no intentions of ever getting married. That is until she came to see me in Starkville and I opened my apartment door and saw her standing there. The whole not getting married thing went out the window! How do you know you found the right person? I don't know. For me, I just knew that Janece was the one and hoped like hell she felt the same about me.

As far as why more people get divorced, I think the previous posts sum it up nicely.

[nofearengineer]

I have never been married, but as a good observer of human behavior, I will comment anyway.

My grandparents went through the Great Depression. They knew what true suffering was; i.e poverty, hunger, hopelessness. When they got married in the 1940's, and discovered the prosperity of the 1950's, they were truly grateful for what they had. Even though they still encountered some rough patches during their marriage, even being unfaithful to each other, they stayed married...and when my grandmother died of cancer, my grandfather really did go downhill quick, like in the anecdotes. Regardless of of what they went through, they loved each other...and that was enough.

Well, today, that just isn't enough for the Instant Gratification Generation. I mean...they watch TV, they know what level of happiness they are justified in pursuing, damn the torpedoes! People's expectations are so high, if they hit one rough patch, it's time to stop the presses, sound the alarm, and call the divorce lawyer. It's the same type of attitude that has gotten us into the massive amounts of consumer debt Americans have. We simply think we are supposed to have all of these things we can't afford or pay for, monetarily or spiritually.

My grandparents knew that life was 90% hard and 10% fun. The American of today complains if life isn't 90% fun.

Just my two cents.

[Stew]

Originally Posted by WTL

Serious question. I mean my grandparents made 60 years. My parents went 22, but got a divorce. A couple years back several of my friends got hitched out of college and they are all divorced now. Now it seems like many people have been through it multiple times, something that was once almost unheard of.

It concerns me because having never been married, I want to do it once and right. But you worry if people these days are just so shallow or given to change or whatever it is...what has gotten into people?

Divorces are less common since the economic downturn. I, for one, take that as a good thing. In yesteryear, many couples simply stuck it out because the various familial and economic costs of divorce were just too high. As maturity increased, few in the long run regretted that decision, although there are and certainly will always be cases where violations against one's personhood are severe to the point that divorce is the superior option.

Marriage is costly on every level and is very hard work. It always has been and always will be. You'll know your spouse like no other, and that means knowing and experiencing their various dysfunctions like no other. Same goes for you and your dysfunctions. Yes, we're all dysfunctional to a degree.

Marriage is in many ways best thought of as a commitment to an overall long-haul beneficial arrangement that will inevitably be mixed with good times and bad times, happiness and pain, joy and suffering, harmony and discord, not a "happily ever after" storybook of mythological bliss. A huge cause of divorces ultimately stems from the various personal Pygmalion projects that people take up when entering marriage based upon storybook ideas of it, and a huge part of a successful marriage is entering it with very realistic expectations having thoroughly supplanted storybook notions of it. In sum, marriage is a place for those who have well put away childish things, and a great many if not nearly all divorces have at bottom the fact that one or both partners refuse the maturation process, which does not necessarily have anything to do with chronological age.

[WTL]

Yall have given some good answers I think, Stew especially. Its something that has always bothered me. Every generation thinks that theirs constitutes a new standard of depravity, that isn't new, but the statistics don't lie.

[carolina-rig-01]

bcklash, everything you said i agree with 100%. this august britney and i will have been married for 5 years, we dated for a little over 3 years before that. and to this day we have never had a fight, i mean never. we started out as good friends before we started dating, and is very important because like bcklash said you have to be best friends more than anything else if a marriage will work. we are still best friends and have fun doing things together, of all my fishing buddies i would rather spend the day on the lake with her because we always have a good time no matter what we are doiong. we have little arguements or spats like anyone else but not one time have we gone to bed mad at each other. my grandpa told us both when we announced our engagement "you guys think you are in love, but as time goes by you will fall more and more in love and one day you will look back and realize that you didn't even know what love was when you got married", i have never heard more true words in my life. he told us that no matter what happens, never go to bed mad and make sure the last words out of your mouth each night is " i love you". there is nothing i wouldn't do for britney and i know that she feels the same way, and that is a great feeling to know that despite all your faults, someone still loves you more than words can say. i didn't mean to get all off subject here but my relationship with my wife is something i am very proud of because it takes a lot of work and effort from both sides but the reward is something you can't even put into words.

but why do so many marriages fail? i don't know if there is an answer for that but i think most problems start in one or both of 2 areas.

1. money. money or lack of will start more fights than you can imagine, that is if you let it. you have to remember you both are on the same team and want the same things even if at times it doesn't seem like it.

2. loyalty or being faithful. to me cheating is unforgivable, i saw my parents marriage get ripped apart because of my mom not being faithful and to this day it still pisses me off. i would never consider doing that to my wife and i know that she would never do that to me. it's not an agreement that can just be made one day but as you get to know someone you develop trust and just know that they would never do that to you.

anyways that is my opinion on it, but there are a lot of guys on here who have been around a lot longer than me. some in marriages that will last a life time and other who have learned from failed marriages so i am sure that are some great opinions to be shared on here.

great thread brother love.

[Fishnngolfn]

Originally Posted by carolina-rig-01

... other who have learned from failed marriages ...

Oh I have learned a great deal from my failed marriage.

[66KingFisher]

Whoever first said that marriage is a 50/50 deal was an idiot and was probably not married for very long, cause anyone that has been married for along time will tell you thats its at bear minimum a 100/100 deal. You can NOT expect a marriage to work if your not willing to give 100%. When you get outta bed each morning and look into the mirror, ask yourself what you could do today that would make your spouses life easier?....seriously....then do it.....it doesn't have to be much....something little like take out the trash witout being asked.....empty the dishwasher or load it if your that brave...lol.....fold a load of towels or ??.....See what I'm sayin....its the little things the misses will notice the most and you'll reap the rewards I promise.

Marriage is not easy.....in most cases they require alot of work....but the work gets easier as time goes by....just keep your nose to the grindstone.....Live by the 10 commandments......live by the words you married her by(For better or worse).....don't just bail when things get bad....cause they WILL get bad.

And lastly......Don't try and change your mate......that just don't work.....your far better off trying to figure out a way to deal with those little things they do that drive you crazy.....once you can do that then you'll find you have a better relationship.....I mean lets face it guys....women come from a different planet then men do.....thats all there is to it.....we'll never understand their ways or their language, and they'll never understand our weird customs or our lanquage....and the quicker you understand that the quicker you'll quit asking yourself "Why does she/he do that"??????.....Fact is we can't seem to live without them and they can't seem to live without us and we just have to find a way to communicate with each other....lol....and it is possible.

The wife and I celebrated our 26 anniversary this year......I love her more today than yesterday.