Gus and his hog calling wife.

[CarpMan]

Our friend Gus continues to cross the mountains and valleys once a week to visit Elmer for advice and to help with Elmers thearpy. About ever thing me and Elmer knows about love, family and relationships, we’ve learned from being a tight knit family with good wives that know how to treat and respect their men. But our friend Gus has got one wheel in the mud when it comes to picking a good helpmate. Now, I hope I ain’t gonna offend anyone when I tell you about Gus and Tootsie. I don’t believe things are equal in their marriage, I believe Tootsie is driving the Lexus and Gus has the VW. Gus picked her up at the hog calling contest where she took 1st place from him 3 years running at the State Fair. And I believe the only reason he married Tootsie was to keep that pig trophy on his mantle. But Gus says he married Tootsie for the love he has for her.. He told Elmer that he is having difficult times after the lights go out, said he can’t hold back, and performs too early, and Tootsie gets all up set with him when this happens, so he ask Elmer for his expertise.. Elmer told him to go over to the State Fair where they have them Rooster Races and get him a starter gun, and told him "when you feel an early thrill coming on, fire the starter gun and that will help prolong your thrill and cause you to wait longer."..Gus came back to day to help Elmer with his thearpy and told Elmer that he tried the new trick with the starter gun, said he went home that evening and found Tootsie all panicky and ready, said she had the lights way down dim. He said Tootse said something about 69 and he thought she had lied to him about her age. He said Tootsie took him to places he had never been before, said he sensed an early thrill was about to take place, so he got the starter gun from under the pillow and fired it. Elmer ask him what happened? He said "Tootsie got frightened and bit him, messedin his face and a man came out of the closet with no cloths on and both hands up in the air all at the same time." Elmer told him to get rid of the starter gun, and send Tootsie back to the hog farm, cause you got more problems than you can handle". But Gus won’t think of it. Elmer assured Gus that Tootsie was younger than 69. Gus said he has been keeping a log and it must mean that they are up to 69 in the first two years of their marriage, and he believes that number 70 might be the magic number..He told Elmer that he was going home and puttin locks and deadbolts on all the bedroom closet doors so no one could break in and rummage through their closets..Elmer told him that he was dumber than a bucket of cold water, and for him to go home get Tootsie and take her to the State Fair and let her scream and holler at the hogs and get it out of her system. Gus got mad at Elmer and started back across the mountain talking to himself. Becky and Polly are concerned that Gus will either have a heart attack crossing the mountains or number 70 just might take him out. We’ll just have to wait and see.