Check This Out - Too Funny

[tarpon120]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to
protect herself with, right??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
>
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
> the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
> second burst would be considered conservative?
>
> IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on
myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw
a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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