'Jokes for week of 08/12/12' Topic...fishing

[joedog]

Two anglers rent a boat and go fishing. Thier names are John and Don. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

Don says: "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish/dinks.

John says:" Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."

Don replies: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?
"You know the 'Rajun' maybe layed up for a few weeks!



Post four more and let's get voting and SMILING!

[MississippiBoy]

Man, I've got jokes for days. I've been thinking about starting my own thread, but since you asked.....

A group of chess enthusiasts attend a chess competition, and check into a local hotel. They're all standing around in the lobby, discussing their recent victories and past glories. After a while, the hotel manager comes out and tells them they have to leave. When they ask him why, he says, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[bassinbob]

Two local yokels go ice fishing. They drill a hole in the ice to start fishing and hear a voice say "There are no fish under the ice." They jump up and look around to see who said that. Not seeing anyone one of the guys says "Did you say that God?" "No you nimwits it's me the arena announcer!"

[MO_CPA]

Not new...and not original (copied it off a site). But I have have heard this one (and variations of) many times and I think it is funny!



A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

[joedog]

Dan, Bob, John, thanks.
We gave it a try. I guess I'm not surprised.
I little disappointed but I guess smiling doesn't really interest this crowd but I know most fisherman I meet don't know a fishing joke or two anyways.
So based on what I believe interests way too many people I'll supply a final joke that has nothing to do with fishing but if I know this crowd, it will get attention. This is not my joke but it did make me smile. It's just a JOKE!
Here goes;
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[bassinbob]

What do you do when your girlfriend is smoking? Slow down and use more lubricant.

[bassboogieman]

It's and old joke, but updated, fittingly as homage to one of our most endearing members.

Bryce bought a parrot, complete with cage, on the cheap at an estate sale. Seems the parrot outlived his former owner, a salty old curmudgeion and the parrot had a nasty streak, liked to insult people he did.

Bryce brings his new bird home and sets him up to get acclimated. Bryce turns on his TV and the parrot utters his first words "You need a haircut scruffy". Bryce is surprised at the parrots audacity and decides he needs to be taught a lesson and learn who's boss, before things get out of hand. So, he reaches in the cage, grabs the parrot and puts him in the freezer for a "time out". After a few minutes Bryce removes the parrot and takes him back to his cage and warns him to behave.

The parrot is a bit chilly, flaps his wings to get warm, and says "I was wrong, you are uglier than a dog's butt". Bryce stops in his tracks, as close to stunned as he's ever been, stronger measures will certainly be required, so back into the freezer goes the parrot for another "time out". Bryce is facing parrot anarchy, so he sets his timer on the microwave, puts in a Hot Pocket, and when it's done he goes to the freezer to retrieve the parrot and return the disiplined bird to his cage.

The bird is shivering, flapping his wings vigorously, frost on his beak and feet, and he spies the hot pocket and says "Do you really need to eat that, BIG BOY?" Bryce stops dead in his tracks, choking on the first bite of the Hot Pocket, and grabs the parrot and throws him back in the freezer. Outraged, Bryce begins ranting at the bird and that the parrot had better learn a little respect. Back to the Hot Pocket and TV, Bryce decides to leave the parrot in the freezer until the next commercial break.

A good 12 minutes pass, the Hot Pocket is history and Byrce daintily wipes the crumbs from his face with a paper napkin (class act) as the commecials begin. Off to the freezer to retrive the nasty bird, certain he will have no more trouble from the it. The poor bird is pretty stiff, but the warmth from Bryce's huge hands begin to revive the parrot. He slowly comes around as Bryce puts him back on his perch, the poor bird is nearly frozen.

Bryce heads back to the TV with thoughts of another Hot Pocket dancing in his head when the parrot manages to speak . . . . . . . . . . "W, Wh, Wha what d-di-did the tur,turkey do? Call you a homo?"

[MississippiBoy]

Ok, since we're talking about parrots and forum members......

A woman walks into a pet store, and sees a parrot underneath a sign. "Talking parrot," it says, with several prices written on it, then crossed out. It starts at $200, then $150, $75, then finally $20. Intrigued, she asks the store owner about the bird.
The owner says, "I'll be honest.....he's very intelligent, speaks fluent English, and can carry on pretty in depth conversations. But his previous owner was a madam at a brothel. Often, he repeats things he heard there.....nobody seems to want him once that part of his vocabulary comes out."
The lady figures "Heck, it's worth a shot....I bet I can break him of that bad language and everything." So she buys the bird and cage and takes it home.
When she gets home, she takes the cover off the cage, and the parrot takes his first look around his new surroundings. He says, "Ok, new brothel." Then he sees the lady that bought him, and says, "So new brothel, and a new madam." She's a little put off, but oh well, nothing really unexpected.
Just then, her two daughters come home from school, and of course come right over to see the new acquisition. The parrot takes a look at them, and says, "Ok, so new brothel, a new madam, and even new girls."
Ok, that's a little too much, but the lady figures she can start trying to break that habit tomorrow....it's about time for her husband to get home, she needs to start dinner, the girls have homework...... no sense in starting now. And sure enough, her husband walks in, right on time.
The parrot sees him, checks him out, and says "Hey, Bruce."

[joedog]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cry out:

"Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus," the parrot replied.

[bcklash]

Originally Posted by bassinbob

What do you do when your girlfriend is smoking? Slow down and use more lubricant.

Just don't do what 1/4 stick done and grab the icyhot instead.

[lilmule]

Blonde Pilot
This is the story of the woman flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot ............
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.


I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K.", says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

[joedog]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem:
she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species
available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
Ken, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
Ken, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Ken to satisfy the
female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Ken replied
that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Ken announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?

"Well," said Ken, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."