Chili Cook-Off

[Wolfman7]

If you can read this whole story
without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas ,
you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from
your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of
pork. light jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor,
needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN
THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish forish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Rosie, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman
is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 --
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef,
could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Rosie saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Rosie. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili,which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[MississippiBoy]

Tears in my eyes...can't breathe....

[bamabassman]

took me an hour to stop laughing....can't see to type, tears. stomach is cramping now. hyper ventalating....... grabbing bag......hhhhhoooooooo. ok, ok....starting to crampagain, laughing......... can't stop..............

[BassAddict]

My brother sent that to me a few weeks ago. I was in tears laughing when I read it! Awesome!!!