Carpfish, navy beans with onions and Texas hot sauce

[CarpMan]

Yesterday during a carp fish tourney, I was on my way to sign in. I began to feel a poop was coming on. Soon after I signed in. I was out the door, hand on stomach, in full stride. I made it to the bathroom and clutched the doorhandle and flung it open with a thunderous boom! I entered the first stall only to find that some other pooper had used all of the TP. I was in a frenzy at this point. I considered pooping with no TP and duck-walking to the next stall, but then I began to worry about other poopers coming into the equation, so I made my move. I took several strides towards the other stall and just as I made it in, I looked at the dispenser and there it was, like a white wedding dress, a brand new roll! I quickly hunched over my target and began to let it all go...Keep in mind that I never sit on the throne completly, unless I am at home. I pushed a few times, but nothing would come out. It then occurred to me that I had a Problem.. I pushed and pushed until I had beads of sweat dripping down my brow... yes, this one was a true log. At last the turd was exposed to the fresh air and I peeked between my legs -- only to frighten myself. Gentlemen, this one was a record breaker for me. It was the largest turd ever. I soon realized that I was in for a huge splash from the massive thing falling to the water. I quickly came up with a plan. I was going to leap forward to escape the poop bomb's blast. But I knew this was going to take perfect timing so I gave a final push and felt the it break free. I leaped forward as far as could only to become ghostly afraid -- I never heard a splash.. I knew something was not right. There was no way this log could have been streamlined enough to not splash. The suspense grew and I knew I had to do it. I slowly, so slowly looked in my underwear that was down to my feet... to my amazement, there was nothing there! I quickly looked in the throat of the toilet. Still no signs..What has happened to my poop, I wondered. I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to tell some of my carp buddies to go look at my freshly made trophy. I wiped and to even more surprise there was nothing there. At this point I was truly disturbed. What the heck was going on in this stall? Was there a taking place? Was there a lurking turd burglar? I flushed the toilet paper and turned to leave out of the stall... and there it was! This thing was across the stall against the wall in front of the toilet. We are not talking about a small stall here, the wall was a good eight feet from the throne toilet bowl. Somehow, without me seeing, the turd was flung between my legs (missing the ol' jewels and other parts). Never again will I eat Carpfish, navy beans, with onions and Texas Pete hot sauce.